


Isn't this enough?

by TulliusTrash (libroslunae)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: College AU, Hospital, I tend to rely on the past so I can use flowery language to hide my insecurity, M/M, Mental Illness, Modern AU, Out of Character, Suicide Attempt, actually she is, also I posted this without editing so yeah, and um I'm terrible at contemporary writing, except she's not really all that sorry, fast fic, for everything, mental illness tw, my sincere apologies, ok honestly just huge tw on this entire thing I'm so so sorry, on a more lighthearted note:, probably, so there's that, suicide TW, the author would like to apologize, the boyfriends are suuuuuuuuuper in love??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 05:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7301722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libroslunae/pseuds/TulliusTrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Lams. "Please wake up. I can't do this without you."<br/>Please keep the tagged trigger warnings above (suicide, mental health, self injury, etc) in mind; do not read if triggered by these things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Isn't this enough?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a_mind_at_work](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/gifts).



> Forgive my poor characterization and writing - as well as the fact that AO3 isn't letting me insert paragraph indents. I'll see if I can fix that later. All of my other disclaimers are in the tags. Read them so we can pretend I'm funny. And so that I don't accidentally trigger anyone. Be safe, my darlings.

The first clue that something was wrong, Alexander should have noticed, was the fact that the apartment was quiet. John was a fan of classical music and couldn’t stand a noise-free living environment; no matter what, there was always something playing in the background.

“John?” He tossed his keys into the bowl by the couch. After a long day in class - he was taking way too many credits this semester, but it would be well worth it, he knew - Alex felt the urge to curl around his boyfriend and watch movies until they fell asleep in their popcorn. “How does some Finding Nemo sound?” he called. It was John’s favorite: he hadn’t stopped talking about watching Finding Dory since he first found it was being created.

More silence.

Alexander furrowed his eyebrows, setting his bag on the couch. “John?”

The second clue that something was the door open to the bathroom, light off. They had both agreed never to leave the door open. 

That was when he remembered the phone call.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ This class was one of his most interesting, but did it  _ really  _ have to be rescheduled for today? Alexander barely had time to breathe on a normal day. This was a little too much. _

_ The assignment was simple enough, and classmates chattered with each other intermittently and quietly. Nobody but Jefferson - who, unfortunately, was his partner for this project - noticed when his phone rang. _

_ He glanced down at it, only halfheartedly paying attention until he noticed that it was John. _

_ John never called him in class. _

_ “I have to take this,” Alex whispered to Jefferson. “Sorry.” _

_ Jefferson snorted in reply. _

_ “Hello?” _

_ Nothing. _

_ “John, what’s the matter?” _

_ Static. _

_ Alexander, confused, pressed End Call.  _ Probably just an accident.

_ It was no accident. _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“John,” he said, this time not a question, this time with much more urgency. Alex tried to force himself to be calm as he began walking to the bathroom, but his body refused to obey him. His heart was beating so quickly and furiously that he could hear it in his ears; his fingertips echoed its franticity. 

He stopped on a dime at the edge of the hallway, where an open door led into his and John’s bathroom, and paused for a second to close his eyes and affirm things that could have gone positively.

_ This could be a mistake. Maybe he’s out for shopping. Maybe he didn’t close it all the way and it swung open on its own. He could be in the library. Or one of  _ his _ classes was rescheduled. _

He opened his eyes and stepped forward into the room.

Every milliliter of air in the room caught in his throat.

“Oh, god.” John Laurens was knocked out, curled up in the bathtub under the lightless ceiling. “John.”

Alexander made his way to the tub on legs shakier than gelatin. “John, it’s me. Please wake up.”

Nothing.

He reached out to touch John’s face. Cold and clammy.

“John Laurens, do you hear me? Wake the hell up.” He knelt. Then, voice rising and tears forming in his eyes, “John, please. Listen to me. Hear me. John, wake up. Wake up wake up wake up wake up.”

John’s mouth opened as Alexander took his head in his hands.

Through blurry eyes, hands vibrating so intensely that he could barely feel them, Alexander slid his phone out of his back pocket and dialed 911.

The rings took too long. “911, what is your emergency?”

“Please help me,” he said, swallowing. “My boyfriend. He - I think he tried to kill himself.” With those words, everything became so more real. Alexander knew John struggled with depression, but he was taking medication, and more than that, he knew he could come to Alex to talk about anything. Anything at all.  
“Alright, stay calm, sir. Does he have a pulse?”

Alexander checked. He hadn’t even thought of that, but sighed with relief. “Yes.”

“We’re sending an ambulance right over. What is the address?”

He told her, and said that they would be in the bathroom at the end of the hall. After a few more questions, he hung up, hoping they would get to their apartment in time.

John Laurens was wet with sweat and Alexander’s tears. Alexander squeezed his limp hand and began to look around for the medications he had taken. There was nothing around. 

He climbed into the bathtub with his boyfriend, maneuvering his body to make place. John coughed in his sleep, a bit of thin vomit spilling out of his mouth.

Alexander took a breath and promptly began sobbing into his boyfriend’s hair. 

He should’ve gone home immediately after the phone call. He should’ve taken more care. He should’ve  _ done something. _

“I love you so much,” he whispered. “Please be okay for me.”

When the ambulance arrived, Alexander begged them to let him sit in the back with John. He nearly lost it when the ER didn’t allow him in the room with John.

He drew looks from the other patients as he cried in the waiting room. An elderly woman was the only one to outrightly ask him what was wrong.

Alexander took a breath. Weakly, he managed, “My boyfriend. He…” and disintegrated into tears.

The woman sat next to him and patted his arm. “What’s his name, dear?”

“John.”

“I wish you and John the best.”

He nodded his gratitude. “John,” he repeated, barely above a murmur of the wind. “Please wake up, John. There are a million things I haven’t done, and I can’t do even one of them without you. John, please.”

The woman said nothing, but remained by his side until the nurse called him back.

“Alexander Hamilton?”

He jumped. “Is he alive? Is John okay?” This would be the second suicide Alexander witnessed, if he wasn’t. It was something he had never wanted to relive.

“He is awake,” the nurse said as she ushered him into the room. “His vitals are still unstable. He ingested quite the medley of drugs. But we’re confident in his ability to make a full recovery.”

Alexander felt his entire body release tension. “Thank god.”

John smiled when he saw Alexander. Bleary eyed, Alex reached for his hand. When he squeezed back, Alexander couldn’t hold his tears back any longer.

“Please don’t ever let me go, John.”

“I’m so sorry.” His voice was raspy; his eyes, bloodshot. “I love you, Alexander.”

He had so many questions. But looking into John’s eyes, rubbing his knuckles with his thumb, knowing he would be okay - this was enough, for now. “It’s alright, babe. It’ll all be alright.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so that was.....sure.  
> Hope you liked it, Jessie! Angst (TM)  
> Come yell at me on tumblr! ciceroniantrash


End file.
